


i want to see you smile but know that means i'll have to leave

by unitedbylarry



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec Lightwood Deserves Nice Things, Hurt Magnus Bane, Insecure Magnus Bane, M/M, Malec, Shadowhunters - Freeform, alec accepts asmodeus proposal, i swear it ends kinda happy, idk how to tag, magnus is in a lot of pain
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-09
Updated: 2019-04-09
Packaged: 2020-01-07 13:08:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,903
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18411278
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unitedbylarry/pseuds/unitedbylarry
Summary: He remembers every single second of his life beside Alec. He also remembers all the pain they had been through. And also, he remembers how things went downhill when Alec accepted that proposal. It’s been three years since Magnus got his magic back. It’s been three years since they made love for the last time. It’s been three years since Alec said he couldn’t do it anymore and left.





	i want to see you smile but know that means i'll have to leave

**Author's Note:**

> Hiii, my name is Fern and I love writing, if you’re on twitter talk to me (@malecinspires) xxxxxx

The first time Magnus sees him is totally unexpected. He’s walking on the streets of New York when he spots him. He’s on the other side of the street, a blonde guy beside him. Magnus sees his smile and that’s what breaks him the most: the fact that someone else is able to make him smile like he used to. Maybe even more. He doesn’t know if he should think more of it. Maybe that’s his boyfriend, maybe that’s even his husband. His head spins and, for a second, he feels nauseous, like he might throw up.

Magnus can’t help but stop on his tracks. He can’t help but stare at them. It’s been three years, he should be over it. Alec clearly is. He tries to make himself believe that he doesn’t want Alec to look at him, but deep inside he knows that he wants him to. He wants him to see Magnus and come running, kiss him like he used to. Let Magnus make him smile like he used to.

He remembers every single second of his life beside Alec. He also remembers all the pain they had been through. And also, he remembers how things went downhill when Alec accepted that proposal.

It’s been three years since Magnus got his magic back. It’s been three years since they made love for the last time. It’s been three years since Alec said he couldn’t do it anymore and left.

Magnus remembers it like it was just yesterday. The night he got his magic back, Alec seemed different, he sounded sad when he asked him to make love, he looked sad when he took his clothes off. He wouldn’t allow Magnus to turn around. “I want to look at you,” he said. And God, if only Magnus knew how much those words actually meant. The next day, when he woke up at 7am, the bed was already empty. Instead, the messy sheets took place, reminding him of the night before. It was the best love they had ever made. Alec’s taste still on his tongue. He found it weird because Alec never wakes up before he does. Frowning his eyebrows he stood up. What he didn’t expect was to find a piece of paper on the bedside table. When he took and read it, that’s when everything came crashing down.

“Dear Magnus, I am so sorry. You are the best thing that’s ever happened to me, but I can’t do it anymore. Now you have your magic and that’s all you need. I know you’d never be happy if it was just you and me. Magic has always been your priority and that’s okay. I understand it now. But I can’t do it anymore and I hope you understand where I’m coming from. I will always love you, Magnus. Yours always, Alexander Lightwood.”

The warlock looked for him, he did. He asked everyone in the Institute, but apparently they didn’t know as well. He tried to contact him, tried to track him, but he just couldn’t, it wouldn’t work. Izzy talked to someone at the Institute and, Magnus doesn’t know how, but they allowed him to stay in Alec’s room for some time before he found somewhere else to move to.

Magnus cried in his pillow every single night, he could feel Alec’s perfume fading from the bedsheets, but he wouldn’t allow himself to ever leave the room. The sad thing that two weeks later it feels like Alec has never even been there at all. And the truth is it took him several weeks to accept that he wasn’t coming back. And so weeks turned into months and months turned into years, and he never got over him.

He feels the lump inside his throat, forbidding him from crying or even letting out a sigh. He reaches for the neckless around his neck, taking the ring in his hand and squeezing it tight. After he found the little box Alec hid inside his Memento box, he promised himself he would never take it off his neck. No matter what. 

Magnus’ breath catches on his throat when he realizes Alec and the blonde guy are crossing the street, not very far from him. He knows he should move, knows he should at least turn around so the shadowhunter won’t see him, but his feet seem to be glued to the ground. And before he knows, he’s walking towards Alec, who soon looks up and realizes what is happening. Alec’s eyebrows are furrowed and, for a second, Magnus swears he sees a trace of pain in his face.

When Magnus reaches him, he stays quiet. It feels like they’re just two strangers. Magnus feels numb when their eyes meet and, in the back of his back, a serie of memories of them play. How did that happen? He thinks to himself. How was I so dumb to let you slip through my fingers without a single fight?

The blonde guy seems to notice the awkwardness and looks at Alec, his hand moving to rest on his shoulder. “Love, is everything okay?” he asks and Magnus could scream right now if the lump wasn’t still there closing his throat. “Alec?” he squeezes his shoulder. Alec turns to him and blinks a couple of times as if he’s leaving a state of trance. “Yes, Tom,” he forces a smile, “this is an old friend of mine,” he says referring to Magnus.

“Oh,” Tom lets out. “That’s Magnus.”

“Bane,” the warlock finally manages to speak. “I’m Magnus Bane.”

Alec turns his look back to him. He stays quiet for what seems like an eternity and takes his time to admire Magnus. He can’t help but see how much he’s changed. His make up is lighter, his hair is down, his clothes aren’t shiny and sparkly anymore, instead the plain black took place, he’s wearing no rings. It’s almost as if he’s not his Magnus anymore. In fact, it’s been three years since Alec took the “his” away from him. When he is about to break the awkward silence, though, he sees it. It’s laying on his chest and, if Alec still knows Magnus, he’s pretty sure it hasn’t left his neck ever since he found it.

To no one’s surprise, who breaks the silence is Tom. “I’m Tom, it’s nice to meet you,” he says as he extends his hand so Magnus will shake it. He doesn’t. Instead, Magnus looks up at Tom, he’s taller than him. “You’re handsome,” he mutters, eyes shifting to Alec’s. “You’ve always had a good taste in men, Alexander,” he tries his best to smile even though it hurts. “Anyways,” he takes a deep breath, “look at me disturbing your day,” he shakes his head, “I am so sorry. Have a wonderful day, gentlemen.” He offers a fake smile and meets Alec’s eyes one last time before he turns around.

“Magnus,” he hears the voice say for the first time in three years. 

And Magnus wants to cry. It feels like the world is closing in on him and just can’t take it. He can’t deal with this again because it hurts way too much. He didn’t remember it hurting this much. He turns around and he doesn’t realize a tear falls from his eye in time to hide it from Alec. “I’m fine, Alexander,” he manages to say after wiping the tear, “I’m just fine and I can see that so are you.”

“Magnus, this is Tom,” he ignores his words. “My cousin,” Alec points out. “Tom is my cousin.” Magnus raises his eyebrows and his heart beats faster the second he hears that. Why is Alec assuring him they’re not together? It’s not like Alec owes him anything. “Tom, it was a pleasure meeting you but I have to go now.” Magnus tries to leave once again but, this time, Alec reaches for his shoulder and squeezes it. “Please, can we grab a coffee, Magnus?”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea, Alexan-” He shakes his head, but Alec interrupts him. “Please,” his eyes meet the warlock’s. “Please, Magnus.”

Before he has time to say anything, Tom is already patting Alec on the back and smiling at Magnus. “It was a pleasure to meet you, Magnus. I have to go anyways, duty calls. Hope to see you again some time soon.” He says as he leaves. Alec is still looking at him and he hasn’t changed at all. The puppy eyes are still his way of manipulating people, but Magnus is not complaining. “Lead the way, Alexander.”

They walk quietly to a coffee shop nearby and Alec orders them both and hot chocolate. When he gets them, they grab a more private table in the back of the place. 

They stay in silence for a few minutes and Magnus knows that if it depends on him, things will remain this way. 

“How are you, Magnus?” Alec asks, taking a sip of his drink.

“I’m fine.” He answers, looking down at the table. His head is spinning and all he can think about is how much he wants to scream at him and tell him that even after three years he’s still a fucking mess because Alec just left him. “You?” 

“Fine.” He shrugs.

“Haven’t seen you in quite a long time,” Magnus mentions. 

Alec bites his lip. “I accepted the job offer and moved to Alicante, that’s probably why you haven’t seen me around”

“Oh,” the warlock laughs bitterly. “Just thought New York was a big city.”

The silence comes again and Alec gulps before he speaks up again. “What have you been up to?” He asks and he knows he sounds stupid but this feels so awkward. Alec hates how they sound like strangers, like they never even kissed, like they never even shared the same bed.

Magnus takes a deep breath. “You fucking left me,” is all he is able to say. “You left a fucking letter. You broke up with me through a fucking letter, Alexander.”

Alec looks up at him as soon as he starts speaking. He can feel Magnus’ pain inside him because he feels just the same. And all he wants to do is hug him and tell him he’s sorry, but he knows that Magnus’ been through too much to just accept his apologies and move on. “I’ve been trying to get over you for three years.” He shakes his head and takes a deep breath, “I have tried everything, Alexander, but I can’t get over you.” He takes his hands to his face and covers it, feeling the tears come down. Ever since Alec left, Magnus stop being ashamed of his feelings, he stop caring about what people thought when he showed whatever he was feeling. “You fucking broke me,” he whispers between his sobs.

Alec is in shock. Magnus has indeed changed. Three years ago he would have never let himself show his feelings to him. He would never in a million years talk about his pain with Alec without the shadowhunter having to practically force him to. “Magnus, I didn’t have a choice,” he tries to speak.

Magnus moves his hands off his face and uses his fist to wipe the tears away. He’s so angry and upset. “You could have said goodbye in person but you were too much a coward to do that. Instead, Alexander, you left me without any explanation and I had to literally go to hell and back to ask Asmodeus myself what was the condition he gave you.” He mutters. “And when he told me,” he laughs sarcastically, “I blamed myself for months for making you think that you weren’t enough for me.”

Alec shakes his head. “But I wasn’t, Magnus. I tried making you happy, believe me I tried everything.” He says, his voice already faltering. “I tried being there for you, Magnus, but you only ever wanted your magic and, I swear to the Angels, that, for a long time, I thought I could make you forget your magic and see that we were everything you needed.” He shakes his head. “But, that night, when you told me how sad you were and how what you were feeling may never pass, I realised that I would never be enough.”

“Alec, you don’t understand what I needed-“ Magnus tries to interrupt him, but Alec completely ignores him. 

“Magnus,” he takes a deep breath, “for a long time, I didn’t understand you. I couldn’t understand how you could like your magic better than me, but I do now.” Magnus is shaking his head repeatedly. “You’ve lived with your magic for years, for centuries, Magnus. I had only been there for a few months- how could I expect you to prioritise me?” He takes a second and when he sees Magnus’ hand resting on the table he reaches for it and rests his hand on top of it. “Magnus, I love you. I have loved you since day one,” he says, looking deep into Magnus’ eyes, “believe me when I say that leaving you was the hardest thing I ever had to do. There was nothing I could do about it, and yes- yes a was a coward not to say that in person but I would not be able to deal with you asking me to stay and we both know that you would.”

“If I knew that was the condition, I would’ve never done it, Alexander.” Magnus bites his lip. “You were everything to me. You still are. And each morning I wake up to an empty bed and know you’re not coming back, makes me want to die.” He admits it, the tears falling. “I had nothing but my magic and that would never be enough. You made me happy, you were enough even if I was stupid enough not to see that.”

Magnus turns his hand around and holds Alec’s into his. He slowly caresses it with his thumb, like he’s trying to reassure him that none of this was ever his fault. “You were always enough, Alexander.” He says. “But I was never enough and that’s what was killing me. I was useless without my magic.”

“You were never useless, Magnus,” Alec whispers. “And you seriously have no idea how much it killed me when you used to tell me that."

“But I felt like I was,” he insists. “And when you left- Alec, I swear to God, that I finally got to know the real feeling of not being happy. You were my happiness and I am absolutely sorry that I only realised that when you vanished from my life.”

The silence takes place again. This feels like nothing they have ever done before. Putting their feelings on the table and saying every single thing without the fear of hurting each other had never been an option. And now they’re doing it and it hurts them but it feels like that's exactly what they needed.

“I still love you, Magnus.” Alec says. “I still love you with all my heart.”

“I got rid of my magic.” Magnus lets out like it’s been killing him to hide it.

“What?” Alec breaks.

“Three months after you left me, I got rid of my magic.” He continues. “I told Asmodeus he could have it all because it didn’t mean anything if I didn’t have you there to magically make breakfast to, or to give roses and make perfumes.” He licks his lips. “I didn’t want my magic anymore if that’s what made we fall apart.”

Alec’s eyes are wide open. He can’t believe what he’s hearing. “Magnus, but how did you deal with it? How are you really?”

“I’m alive, aren’t I?” He laughs. “You want to know what kept me going?” He asks, reaching for the neckless and picking up the ring. “Everything you ever told me and this.” He smiles as he caresses the silver object. “I feel awfully sorry for destroying your surprise, Alexander. Jace told me how much you wanted it to be perfect.”

“Honestly,” Alec giggles between his tears. “All I wanted was to hear a yes.”

“If it makes you feels better,” Magnus looks at him and smiles warmly, “I would’ve said yes for as many times as you proposed to me, Alexander.”

Alec bites his bottom lip. The eye contact never fades. “Would you say yes now, Magnus?” Alec breathes heavier.

Magnus raises his eyebrows and parts his lips in surprise. He was not expecting that at all. “For the Angels, I’m so stupid,” Alec shakes his head. “We haven’t seen each other in years and the first thing I ask is if you’d still marry me. I am so sorry.” He says, pulling his hands away from Magnus’ and scratching his head.

“I would say yes anytime, Alexander.” Magnus smiles at him. “But, well, there’s only one condition,” he raises his eyebrows. “Are you still willing to grow old with me? And before you answer that may I say I already have a few grey hairs.”

Alec smiles back at him.

And, well, things may never be completely fine again. Magnus’ feelings about not having his magic may never pass, those three painful years away from each other may never be forgotten, many things may have changed. However, in this moment, they have each other, and, right now, that’s all they need.


End file.
